2103 Hobbit Movie Awards

Well, it’s the season of movie awards again and the Oscars have just been given out. No surprises other than the fact that Michelle Obama made a virtual appearance to give out the Best Motion Picture award to Argo.

 

Well, it’s been quite a few years since this hobbit has given out any movie awards. And if a movie about a movie that is used as a decoy to rescue Ben Affleck’s career from J. Lo and Pearl Harbour can win a best movie award, then its certainly about time this hobbit have out a few awards of his own again.

 

Best Adult Movie:

Ted

This runaway hit is about a foul mouth teddy bear that called nursing “low-skilled”. Stars Mark Walberg as Ted’s owner who had to do heck of a lot of damage control. Also has a pricelessly funny song about screwing thunder, which admittedly in the local context, can mean a lot of things…

 

No Backbone Movie/Worst Medical Evidence Award:

Dark Knight Rises

The masked crusader shows how one can reduce a spondylolisthesis spontaneously without spinal surgery. The auto-reduction obviously affected his great powers of deduction adversely and as a result, the world’s greatest detective only figures out who is the villain in the last 10 minutes of this long movie, and only after he gets stabbed by her.….?

 

Surprise Hit of the Year:

007: Skyfall

Resulting from the glitch of a obsolete IT system (No, we are NOT talking about town council here), all orc-healers are given a one-year reprieve from continuing education requirements. Literally drop down from the sky-kind of reprieve. Licensed to “ziam”….

 

Best Action Choreography:

Cold War

This movie is about two professional boards engaged in a cold war. On one side is the Orc-healers Conclave pitched against the Evocation Druid Council on another side. The Conclave has banned orcs who are dual-accredited (i.e orcs who are also trained as druids) from casting fireballs. The chief priest has decreed that orc healers are only limited to use the “needle” kind of evocation spell-casting, even though strictly speaking, evocation spell casting comes under the regulation of Evocation Druid Council. All these lines of regulation are clearly demarcated under the various ordinances of Middle-Earth. After all, the Evocation Druid Council is not a subsidiary of the Conclave, do how can it tell one how to practice evocation? The movie ends in one big shootout.

 

Worst Sci-fi Movie

Total Recall

A movie set in the near future where due to the introduction of the Family Orc-Healers Register, all clinic signboards that have the word “family” have to be recalled if the clinic does not have a registered family orc-healer practicing there.

 

Blockbuster of the Year:

The Avengers

The top-grosser of the year. This is about a secret small group of orcs and eleves who have been tasked to review the Orc-healer Conclave after widespread complaints about and dissatisfaction with the Conclave. Unfortunately, these are masked avengers and despite repeated questioning, the public and the profession do not know who is on this committee. We wait with bated breath as to when this review committee will be revealed. What can be engrossing than a top-secret review committee?

 

Most Expensive Local Movie:

Ah Boys to Men

This is a movie about growing up. A bunch of graduate medical students go through a very expensive foreign-brand name graduate medical school based locally only to discover the degree is not recognized in the lands it came from. On top of that, it is rumoured that the Chief Priest wants to hantam them with a licensing exam….They boys loose their innocence and grow up real fast…

 

Sequel of the Year:

The Expendables 2

This is a sequel to Expendables 1, where regulation was rolled out on medical devices that were so stringent many product importers pulled the plug on many medical expendables. Expendables 2 is a happier movie with the authorities back-tracking and loosening up on these requirements for low risk expendables. Let’s face it, Middle-earth is such a small market that it is expendable to the MNCs….

 

Worst Martial Arts Movie:

Tai Chi Zero

This is about the regulatory branch of the Ministry of Healing that regularly referred cases to the Orc-Healers Conclave. Unfortunately, Conclave judgments on several of these referred cases were subsequently overturned. Want to tai-chi but in the end backfire. Sigh…

 

Best Actress:

A Simple Life (Tao Jie)

Stars Deannie Yip as an old retired ma-chieh (domestic maid from China) suffering from dementia. Their kind bosses want to put her in a nursing home but they cannot find one because everybody doesn’t want a nursing home in their neighbourhood. A movie about the ugly phenomenon of Nimby (Not in my neighbourhood) and the pains of ageing. A stellar performance by Ms Yip and Andy Lau as her employer.

 

Longest movie award:

The Lady (not to be mistaken for Iron Lady)

About a female surgeon charged with overcharging. It’s a very long movie and the ending is not known. This is not to be mistaken for another movie called “Iron Lady” is about a paediatrician running a large healthcare cluster with an iron fist.

 

Flop of the Year:

The Three Stooges

A black comedy about three orc-healers who sat on a disciplinary committee. Their work was considered to be a tragic and complete waste of time when their Elven legal procurators drafted charges that were deemed to be embarrassing.

 

Best Horror/Action Flick:

Underworld: Awakening

This action movie is about the underworld of werewolves and vampires that have awoken to the fact that they are being continuing screwed by the evil wizard holed up in an ivory building. They hit back by casting 10,000 votes cast for no-one in a recent election. The underworld has awoken.

 

Best Comedy:

The Dictator

This is about a dictator writing a five-page letter to his subjects. It’s quite a funny letter because it mentions quite a few things that are laughable. Unfortunately not many read it and even fewer understood the rambling letter. Sacha Baron Cohen rocks in this one.

 

Best Actor Award:

The Grandmaster

This stars Tony Leung as the Grandmaster/Chief Priest. Tony develops a new kind of management art (not martial arts) which ensures a long stay (practically immortality) in a high office. This management art includes screwing up so badly that no one wants to take over from you and hence you get to stay forever in the job. The Grandmaster will in all likelihood last far longer that what it takes to make a Wong Kar Wai movie.

 

Best Disaster Movie:

The Hunger Games

Movie about how an up-market restaurant in a five-star hotel caused food poisoning for many customers resulting in the restaurants’ closure for a period. A lot of hunger here from the BO and vomiting.

 

Worst Disaster Movie:

MIB3

MIB stands for Mistaken Infant Botch-up and 3 is the number of staff that were disciplined in this incident in which babies were mixed up and a newborn was given to the wrong parents in Middle-earth. This is not to be mistaken for another movie Taken 2, which is stars Liam Neeson as the surgeon who “chopes” the last clinic space put on sale in Mount Expensive Old Hospital.

 

Best Animation

Ice Age: Continental Drift

A nice cartoon movie about a bunch of health workers caught in the formation of regional health care cluster when their old regional hospital was cut adrift when they separated from the huge tertiary hospital cluster

 

 

Worst Screenplay Award.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

A movie about how a nationwide system for the GPs of Middle-Earth took many years to develop. In the end, there were few users of the system because it was too expensive to maintain and too complex to use. The user-interface was impossible to use and it truly deserves this worst screenplay award

 

Most Violent Movie Award:

Dredd

This is about how  Judge Dredd chairs the Disciplinary Tribunal of the orc-healers conclave. He is judge, jury and executioner. Just about blows up everything in sight. Not for the faint hearted.

 

Movie of the Year:

The Hobbit

Long movie about a short guy in Middle-Earth that seemed to court trouble wherever his hairy feet went. It is rumoured that the Chief Priest wants him – dead or alive. L

Chief Priest’s Epistle to the Orc-Clerics (Abridged and with Nonsensical Explanatory Notes)

Dear Orc-clerics of Middle-Earth

 

I have heard your recent grumblings all over the realms of Middle-Earth about how the Conclave of the Orc-Clerics has supposedly mishandled the Inquisition processes.

 

First of all,  the Conclave is subject to the ordinances of Middle-Earth and they were put in place by the various Elven legal procurators of old. Changing ordinances takes a heck of a long time. I am trying to change them (explanatory note: by allowing in even more elven legal procurators so that you buggers can’t squirm you way out of any inquisition)

 

The various inquisition panels are run independently of the Conclave. I am but the Chief Priest. I do not sit on any of these panels. (explanatory note: see how impartial and detached I am?). In addition, the Temple that pays me also has no hand in the panels as well (explanatory note: hand does not include fangs, feet and forked tongue).

 

Over the past several years, I have been trying very hard to change the ordinances to allow for a speedier inquisition process. These exclude using external inquisitors that are not members of the Conclave and bringing in learned Elves to even chair the panels (explanatory note: Elves know more about royally screwing orcs than we orcs). I have also put in place changes that allow junior inquisition panels to impose major torture methods that were allowed previously only for the senior panels. But it will take time for these junior inquisitors to be trained for these tasks.

 

The bloody nuisance orc-cleric association opposed the move to have increased elven input, especially getting an elf to chair the panels (explanatory note: But I still prevailed. I am the Chief Priest!).

 

Some wise guy from the association actually said we should learn from other realms. The other realms also allow elves, gnomes and halflings to chair their inquisition panels. (explanatory note: So he’s actually contradicting his own association. Ha!)

 

Now I will come to these specific inquisitions. Basically we used the wrong rack to punish them and the Elven Elders have said these orc-clerics should be set free. This will not happen again once I get the elves to chair these panels. These are exceptions. Actually we have done well so far and I will bury you with statistics to prove so. The Conclave remains an effective Machinery of Terror and Oppression.

 

You should perish the thought about getting more or all (Sauron forbid!) Conclave Members to be voted members. Having all voted members may result in less terror and oppression, which is not good. But you must all still vote. (explanatory note: if you cast blank vote(s) again, I will be very upset). In fact, consider it a privilege that all Conclave Members are still orc-clerics. Elsewhere, it is not so (explanatory note: Am I not benevolent?)

 

Running the conclave is bloody expensive. We actually receive subsidies from the Masters of Middle-earth, you cheapskates.

 

I welcome your input which are made in good faith and for betterment (explanatory note: You must first love me as Chief Priest – the content of your feedback is secondary, and I only offer you this olive branch under duress, you bunch of ingrates!).

 

I have also appointed a reveal committee to sort things out. (explanatory note: I have stuffed this committee with the usual suspects. Nothing will be revealed. Hence I cannot reveal to you who sits on the reveal committee)

 

Yours truly,

 

Chief Priest

Orc-Cleric Conclave

Middle-Earth

Nonsensical Advisory on Having Sex in SGH Campus Car-parks

Last month, this hobbit said there wouldn’t be a posting this month. But then there’s just too much going on around. Anyway, December is not really the month for anything serious or heavy-going. So here’s something on the lighter side of things….

 

Recently, there have been reports of sex in a SGH car-park in an alleged corruption case. Obviously, the lovers’ attempt at discrete sex wasn’t very successful because their torrid affair is now all over the mass media. Fear not, a car-park within the SGH campus remains a possible option. Just follow this advice from this hobbit:

  1. Even though current COE prices are plainly ridiculous, you should preferably attempt to have sex while you are inside a vehicle that is parked in a parking lot.
  2.  Do not have sex in the SNEC open-air car-park. A lot of senior SGH and SingHealth management park their cars there. If they see you, they may get jealous- these guys don’t really have much time for sex nowadays as they have to figure out how to unravel the chaos brought on by residency. If you really have this thing for SNEC, try the fancy car-park lifts there. It offers a fair bit of privacy.
  3.  Do not have sex in any car-park in SGH campus around 7am, 2pm and 9pm. That’s when hundreds of nurses change shift. You don’t want to be part of the report passing in every ward in SGH the following day.
  4.  The mortuary car-park offers free parking all year round. But sex in an empty hearse is not recommended.
  5.  Oral sex is OK in SGH car-parks, if only it leads to penetration later. If not, it could be considered unnatural sex under Singapore legal precedents. Unnatural sex does not even happen in the SGH Animal Holding Lab. And should there be any mishap during the performance of oral sex, NDC and the SGH A&E and the Urology Centre can render the necessary emergency medical/surgical/dental assistance.
  6.  Do not use the multi-storey car park behind MOH near what was once called the Macalister Block. You may think it is secluded, but trust me, at night, it is more well-lit than an operating theatre with a patient undergoing a laparotomy. If you really need to do it there, try a weekend in the daytime.
  7.  Try not to have sex in the MOH open-air car-park behind COMB. It is rumoured that zombies and other kinds of undead enter and leave the building every day via the car-park. These undead are supposed controlled by some evil wizard whose name cannot be named.
  8.  Condoms are available at the convenience shop at Block 4. The IVF centre is at block 5. Don’t mix this up.
  9.  Having sex in the underground car-parks in SGH is a very bad idea, there are CCTV’s all over the place. There are also many emeritus consultants with a lot of free time on their hands walking around the underground car-parks reminiscing the good old days when they had a reserved and named parking lot to themselves when they were heads of departments and division chairmen.
  10.  Do not EVER have sex at the Pathology Block. It is guarded 24-7. They will treat you as a biohazard.
  11.  Do not EVER attempt to have sex in the Alumni/SMA car-park. It is quite busy in the day. At night, the SMA council members (who have no life) have meetings regularly starting at 9pm that may end well past midnight. And then there are those very senior people playing mahjong in the Alumni. They haven’t had an Agong Show* for years and really can’t take this kind of excitement anymore.
  12.  If you are caught having sex, just give the excuse that you are part of the hospital workplace health promotion campaign. Another excuse would be to say you are conducting business continuity planning for Singhealth in the wake of the illegal strike at SMRT.  Crazier things have happened recently anyway.

 

*The Agong Shows were gatherings that supposedly featured topless cabaret dancers from the 70s to 80s at the old Alumni Building. The old Alumni Building was demolished to make way for what is now the CTE (Central Expressway)

Residency Thanksgiving Turkey

Thanksgiving Time

 

As you read this, it’s near the end of the year and the holiday season is again upon us. Time flies. As with all things healthcare in Singapore recently (like Duke, JCI, Residency and Board Exams, the Hobbit goes American and celebrates Thanksgiving. For a start, here’s a recipe for a good Residency Thanksgiving Turkey:

 

Residency Turkey

 

One 7kg turkey, preferably caught from around College Road and slain by brute force with the bare hands of a simple-minded orthopaedic surgeon. If not, then get a frozen one imported from America that is suitably defrosted with naivety and bewilderment. Whatever the case, remember – remove the brain, heart and guts COMPLETELY! If not, this recipe will NOT work.

 

Seasoning

Juice of 2 BIG Singapore lemons

5 tablespoons of stupidity

5 tablespoons of single-mindedness and myopia

One cup of deafness

One cup of blindness

 

Stuffing

Mixed the following:

One cup of hubris

One cup of white flour (Made from pure American Wheat)

Common Sense, boiled for 2 hrs, cooled, peeled and then finely chopped

National Pride – pounded violently and minced to paste

A finger of Local Tradition, grated to a fine dust

A sprig of parsley

One carrot finely chopped

One onion diced

Salt and Pepper to taste

 

Gravy

A sprig of acceptance

A stem of blissful ignorance

3 tablespoons of cornstarch

2 cups of water

Salt and Pepper to Taste

 

Instructions<p> </p>

Clean turkey. Remember to remove guts completely. Squeeze juice of two big Singapore lemons into cavity. Season skin and cavity with stupidity, single-mindedness and myopia. Stand for 30 minutes to soften muscle. Rub deafness and blindness onto skin and cavity liberally. Stand in roasting dish for 3 hrs in the DARK. This is to ensure that when the bird is cooked, it is soft, compliant, tasty and quite divorced from reality.

 

Stuff Turkey with Stuffing. Close neck cavity and tail openings with string (not Prolene sutures, you idiot!).

 

Line roasting pan with lots of grease, preferably from Chicago or North Carolina. Roast Turkey in pan (breast-side down, to restrain/contain national pride). For a 7kg turkey, 200C (or 400F, for the residents familiar with the American way of measuring things) for the first 30 minutes, then reduce to 175C (or 350F) for 2 hours, then reduce to 110C (225F) for next hour to hour and a half. Then raise temperature to 260C (500F) for 5 minutes to brown skin.

 

Remove bird to cool. Collect Oil and drippings into saucepan, add cornstarch and other gravy ingredients, flavor (Not “flavour”) with ignorance and acceptance. Bring to a boil and over low heat, reduce to a suitable  opaque consistency.

 

Note – Residency Turkey usually tastes better when carved by senior medical administrators on footstools (never both feet on the ground). So do invite them for your next Thanksgiving Dinner!

 

Things to give thanks for over the Residency Turkey Dinner

 

We give thanks for

 

The fact that, like their American counterparts, our house officers (or R1) can only work continuously for 16 hours (i.e. no more over-night calls) and other residents will be entitled to 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep. They can only clerk several cases a day on call. In other words, they will probably stop work at 3pm when their quota is filled up.

 

And for all this, they will not get a pay-cut

 

We also give thanks that somehow with the residency programme, productivity and efficiency will seemingly be unaffected and healthcare costs will not go up, even though USA spends 16% of their GDP on healthcare and we spend 4%. Presumably, consultants can pick up the slack for free.

 

Finally, we also give thanks to the British training system that had more or less served us well but can now rest in peace.

 

 Footnote: This article was actually written one year ago and submitted to SMA News but never published. Now published on FB – One-up for social media.

Vote Ah Bock!!!!

 Vote Ah Bock!

I say don’t just talk, vote Ah Bock

He can really jaga our reserves and be the second key and lock

His tree very big, not scared even when lightning forks

He said his piece on foreign talent and got mocked

 

I say don’t just talk, vote Ah Bock

That’s not because I own Chuan Hup stock

A man of principle, he believes – in politics no cincalok or belly pork

That’s why many times he stood his ground then kena knock

 

I say don’t just talk, vote Ah Bock

Just like last time in APMPS, he still rocks

He will get those fat cats to pull up their socks

Stop those guys from talking cock. Go Ah Bock, give them a shock!

 

 

Please note –

  • The SMA Hobbit is mythical in nature and has no right to vote in Singapore. So his support is quite virtual at best.
  • The Hobbit is also apolitical and is not affiliated to any political party.
  • This note does not in any way represent an endorsement by SMA Council or SMA News of Dr Tan Cheng Bock
  • APMPS – Association of Private Medical Practitioners of Singapore – merged with SMA about 20 years ago

Prof Tan Ser Kiat for Elected President (expanded version)

 

There is a time when your country needs you. To preserve and protect your countrymen from the tyrannies of disunity, fear and oppression. To battle evil, envy and aggression.

 

Oops. Wrong subject. We are not talking about Captain America, Thor or Hal Jordan and his ring shooting out green goo.

 

We are of course talking about the Elected Presidency and the President’s role to safeguard our country’s reserves; approve key government appointments which surprisingly does not include the Director of Medical Services (sigh); and, according to a speech given by the honorable Law Minister, to perform all public acts (including giving public speeches) according to the advice of the Cabinet which the Elected President is obliged to follow and cannot reject, except for powers specifically vested in the office of the Elected President. [1]

 

Now the Hobbit understands why we need to be careful about how we choose our Elected President and why he needs a relatively big paycheck. It is obligated that the poor chap does everything publicly on the advice of the Cabinet, advice which cannot be rejected. That’s a real tough job. I may be wrong but I think some SAF recruits in Tekong, apprentice sushi chefs in Ginza or adolescent orcs in Mordor may have more liberties publicly than the Elected President.

 

This recent Presidential race has thrown up several interesting if not exciting candidates. I think the field can be widened to include another doctor as well, other than the well-known six-term MP and SMA Honorary Member Dr Tan Cheng Bock.

 

The Hobbit thinks the very respected Prof Tan Ser Kiat should run for the elected presidency as well for the following compelling reasons:

  • He has run SingHealth for some 11 years as Group CEO – which owns SGH, KKH, CGH, several national centres and many polyclinics – surely that must be >100M in terms of paid up capital
  • He’s older than 45
  • He is a “Tan”, like Dr Tony Tan, Dr Tan Cheng Bock, Tan Kim Lian and Tan Jee Say
  • He is from RI – like Dr Tan Cheng Bock, Tan Kim Lian and Tan Jee Say
  • It’s been a long time since we had a doctor for President – 30 years to be exact, since the passing of President Sheares in 1981
  •  It’s a money-saving President – all the government offices only need ONE photo and not two. On top of that, he doesn’t need an accompanying physician to follow him when he makes overseas trips – he can heal himself.
  • He’s already got one hospital named after him – Sengkang General Hospital (i.e. SKGH)
  • He doesn’t have worry about his political adversaries raising questions about his son’s NS record
  • Salma Khalik can hopefully finally leave the health beat and move on to do the Istana beat in The Straits Times.
  • No more bad Hokkien jokes about insane canines from Prof Tan’s old classmates and colleagues

 

One wise guy suggested to me in my original facebook note that it is not a good thing to have only Prof SK Tan’s photograph alone in government offices. It’s kind of lonely being so. That’s not really a problem. Since Prof Tan is an orthopaedic surgeon in body, soul and spirit, this hobbit suggests that the accompany photograph would be that of a vertebral column. After all, he has a stiff spine to stand up to the Cabinet when the occasion requires. Note: it’s a whole vertebral column and not just the coccyx to sit through 6 years.

 

Yet another doctor who has been proffered as a possible candidate for the job of Elected President is Prof Chee Yam Cheng. But this Hobbit thinks Prof Chee is not quite as suitable as Prof Tan due to the following considerations:

 

  • He’s been Group CEO of NHG for less than 3 years
  • He looks like 44 although he is way more than 45 years old
  • He’s obviously not a “Tan”
  • He’s from (oh dear) ACS and not RI
  • He will make all civil servants wear a tie. What the heck, he will buy a tie for the civil servant who doesn’t (like what he did for his housemen and MOs)
  • All the Istana’s speechwriters will resign or commit suicide because if elected, Prof Chee’s public speeches will have an average of 54 words. The televised opening of Parliament will last only 40 seconds with no time for commercials.
  • His autobiography post-presidency will be longer than the Harry Potter series, Winston Churchill’s Nobel Prize-winning six-volume Second World War or past-PM Mr Lee Kuan Yew’s memoirs. Just look at Prof Chee’s voluminous writings on SARS in SMA News and you’ll get the picture
  • Like Prof Tan Ser Kiat, he can heal himself. But the problem is, if Prof Chee ever becomes Elected President, no doctor would want to be his personal physician. It would be like going through mock MRCP every two weeks. Imagine the Elected President Prof Chee looking at you with that look of his as you palpate his abdomen. Damn stressful…
  • Prof Chee is really quite politically incorrect in this day and age. Imagine how are the smart cookies in MOH promoting ACGME-I Residency going to explain to our final year medical students it’s perfectly OK to apply for a residency even before they take their MBBS finals when the Elected President decided on his choice of specialty ONLY after passing Part 1 of FRCS, MRCOG and MRCP.
  • Finally, Any hospital named after him will sound like it’s been donated by a famous tailor and Dr Tan Cheng Bock may just object again.

 

Finally some wise doctor actually suggested that this Hobbit run for President. That’s a very bad suggestion: –

 

  • This hobbit will look absolutely ridiculous reviewing the National Day Parade and especially when he walks down the line posted by Guard of Honour with the Chief of Defense Force. I haven’t learnt how to walk on stilts yet.
  • I have always (perhaps erroneously) thought that advice is discretionary, command is compelling. I have never taken a job whereby I cannot reject advice from someone who is not my boss. So being an elected president, whose job description includes being unable to reject the Cabinet’s advice (unless for powers specifically vested in the office of the elected presidency) is definitely not a job I want.

 

Anyway, Prof Tan, go for it!!!!!

 

 

 

[1] http://www.news.gov.sg/public/sgpc/en/media_releases/agencies/minlaw/speech/S-20110805-1/AttachmentPar/0/file/Speech%20by%20Minister%20for%20IPS%20Forum%20on%20EP%20-%20FINAL.pdf; accessed 8 Aug 2011

Prof Tan Ser Kiat for President

The Hobbit thinks Prof Tan Ser Kiat should run for the elected presidency for the following compelling reasons:

 

a) He has run SingHealth for some 11 years as Group CEO – which owns SGH, KKH, CGH, several national centres and many polyclinics – surely that must be >100M in terms of paid up capital

b) He’s older than 45

c) He is a “Tan”, like Dr Tony Tan, Dr Tan Cheng Bock, Tan Kim Lian and Tan Jee Say

d) He is from RI – like Dr Tan Cheng Bock, Tan Kim Lian and Tan Jee Say

e) It’s been a long time since we had a doctor for President – 30 years to be exact, since President Sheares

f) Its a money-saving President – all the government offices only need ONE photo and not two

g) He’s already got one hospital named after him – Sengkang General Hospital  (i.e. SKGH)

Go for it, Prof Tan!!!!