Chief Priest’s Epistle to the Orc-Clerics (Abridged and with Nonsensical Explanatory Notes)

Dear Orc-clerics of Middle-Earth


I have heard your recent grumblings all over the realms of Middle-Earth about how the Conclave of the Orc-Clerics has supposedly mishandled the Inquisition processes.


First of all,  the Conclave is subject to the ordinances of Middle-Earth and they were put in place by the various Elven legal procurators of old. Changing ordinances takes a heck of a long time. I am trying to change them (explanatory note: by allowing in even more elven legal procurators so that you buggers can’t squirm you way out of any inquisition)


The various inquisition panels are run independently of the Conclave. I am but the Chief Priest. I do not sit on any of these panels. (explanatory note: see how impartial and detached I am?). In addition, the Temple that pays me also has no hand in the panels as well (explanatory note: hand does not include fangs, feet and forked tongue).


Over the past several years, I have been trying very hard to change the ordinances to allow for a speedier inquisition process. These exclude using external inquisitors that are not members of the Conclave and bringing in learned Elves to even chair the panels (explanatory note: Elves know more about royally screwing orcs than we orcs). I have also put in place changes that allow junior inquisition panels to impose major torture methods that were allowed previously only for the senior panels. But it will take time for these junior inquisitors to be trained for these tasks.


The bloody nuisance orc-cleric association opposed the move to have increased elven input, especially getting an elf to chair the panels (explanatory note: But I still prevailed. I am the Chief Priest!).


Some wise guy from the association actually said we should learn from other realms. The other realms also allow elves, gnomes and halflings to chair their inquisition panels. (explanatory note: So he’s actually contradicting his own association. Ha!)


Now I will come to these specific inquisitions. Basically we used the wrong rack to punish them and the Elven Elders have said these orc-clerics should be set free. This will not happen again once I get the elves to chair these panels. These are exceptions. Actually we have done well so far and I will bury you with statistics to prove so. The Conclave remains an effective Machinery of Terror and Oppression.


You should perish the thought about getting more or all (Sauron forbid!) Conclave Members to be voted members. Having all voted members may result in less terror and oppression, which is not good. But you must all still vote. (explanatory note: if you cast blank vote(s) again, I will be very upset). In fact, consider it a privilege that all Conclave Members are still orc-clerics. Elsewhere, it is not so (explanatory note: Am I not benevolent?)


Running the conclave is bloody expensive. We actually receive subsidies from the Masters of Middle-earth, you cheapskates.


I welcome your input which are made in good faith and for betterment (explanatory note: You must first love me as Chief Priest – the content of your feedback is secondary, and I only offer you this olive branch under duress, you bunch of ingrates!).


I have also appointed a reveal committee to sort things out. (explanatory note: I have stuffed this committee with the usual suspects. Nothing will be revealed. Hence I cannot reveal to you who sits on the reveal committee)


Yours truly,


Chief Priest

Orc-Cleric Conclave


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