2103 Hobbit Movie Awards

Well, it’s the season of movie awards again and the Oscars have just been given out. No surprises other than the fact that Michelle Obama made a virtual appearance to give out the Best Motion Picture award to Argo.

 

Well, it’s been quite a few years since this hobbit has given out any movie awards. And if a movie about a movie that is used as a decoy to rescue Ben Affleck’s career from J. Lo and Pearl Harbour can win a best movie award, then its certainly about time this hobbit have out a few awards of his own again.

 

Best Adult Movie:

Ted

This runaway hit is about a foul mouth teddy bear that called nursing “low-skilled”. Stars Mark Walberg as Ted’s owner who had to do heck of a lot of damage control. Also has a pricelessly funny song about screwing thunder, which admittedly in the local context, can mean a lot of things…

 

No Backbone Movie/Worst Medical Evidence Award:

Dark Knight Rises

The masked crusader shows how one can reduce a spondylolisthesis spontaneously without spinal surgery. The auto-reduction obviously affected his great powers of deduction adversely and as a result, the world’s greatest detective only figures out who is the villain in the last 10 minutes of this long movie, and only after he gets stabbed by her.….?

 

Surprise Hit of the Year:

007: Skyfall

Resulting from the glitch of a obsolete IT system (No, we are NOT talking about town council here), all orc-healers are given a one-year reprieve from continuing education requirements. Literally drop down from the sky-kind of reprieve. Licensed to “ziam”….

 

Best Action Choreography:

Cold War

This movie is about two professional boards engaged in a cold war. On one side is the Orc-healers Conclave pitched against the Evocation Druid Council on another side. The Conclave has banned orcs who are dual-accredited (i.e orcs who are also trained as druids) from casting fireballs. The chief priest has decreed that orc healers are only limited to use the “needle” kind of evocation spell-casting, even though strictly speaking, evocation spell casting comes under the regulation of Evocation Druid Council. All these lines of regulation are clearly demarcated under the various ordinances of Middle-Earth. After all, the Evocation Druid Council is not a subsidiary of the Conclave, do how can it tell one how to practice evocation? The movie ends in one big shootout.

 

Worst Sci-fi Movie

Total Recall

A movie set in the near future where due to the introduction of the Family Orc-Healers Register, all clinic signboards that have the word “family” have to be recalled if the clinic does not have a registered family orc-healer practicing there.

 

Blockbuster of the Year:

The Avengers

The top-grosser of the year. This is about a secret small group of orcs and eleves who have been tasked to review the Orc-healer Conclave after widespread complaints about and dissatisfaction with the Conclave. Unfortunately, these are masked avengers and despite repeated questioning, the public and the profession do not know who is on this committee. We wait with bated breath as to when this review committee will be revealed. What can be engrossing than a top-secret review committee?

 

Most Expensive Local Movie:

Ah Boys to Men

This is a movie about growing up. A bunch of graduate medical students go through a very expensive foreign-brand name graduate medical school based locally only to discover the degree is not recognized in the lands it came from. On top of that, it is rumoured that the Chief Priest wants to hantam them with a licensing exam….They boys loose their innocence and grow up real fast…

 

Sequel of the Year:

The Expendables 2

This is a sequel to Expendables 1, where regulation was rolled out on medical devices that were so stringent many product importers pulled the plug on many medical expendables. Expendables 2 is a happier movie with the authorities back-tracking and loosening up on these requirements for low risk expendables. Let’s face it, Middle-earth is such a small market that it is expendable to the MNCs….

 

Worst Martial Arts Movie:

Tai Chi Zero

This is about the regulatory branch of the Ministry of Healing that regularly referred cases to the Orc-Healers Conclave. Unfortunately, Conclave judgments on several of these referred cases were subsequently overturned. Want to tai-chi but in the end backfire. Sigh…

 

Best Actress:

A Simple Life (Tao Jie)

Stars Deannie Yip as an old retired ma-chieh (domestic maid from China) suffering from dementia. Their kind bosses want to put her in a nursing home but they cannot find one because everybody doesn’t want a nursing home in their neighbourhood. A movie about the ugly phenomenon of Nimby (Not in my neighbourhood) and the pains of ageing. A stellar performance by Ms Yip and Andy Lau as her employer.

 

Longest movie award:

The Lady (not to be mistaken for Iron Lady)

About a female surgeon charged with overcharging. It’s a very long movie and the ending is not known. This is not to be mistaken for another movie called “Iron Lady” is about a paediatrician running a large healthcare cluster with an iron fist.

 

Flop of the Year:

The Three Stooges

A black comedy about three orc-healers who sat on a disciplinary committee. Their work was considered to be a tragic and complete waste of time when their Elven legal procurators drafted charges that were deemed to be embarrassing.

 

Best Horror/Action Flick:

Underworld: Awakening

This action movie is about the underworld of werewolves and vampires that have awoken to the fact that they are being continuing screwed by the evil wizard holed up in an ivory building. They hit back by casting 10,000 votes cast for no-one in a recent election. The underworld has awoken.

 

Best Comedy:

The Dictator

This is about a dictator writing a five-page letter to his subjects. It’s quite a funny letter because it mentions quite a few things that are laughable. Unfortunately not many read it and even fewer understood the rambling letter. Sacha Baron Cohen rocks in this one.

 

Best Actor Award:

The Grandmaster

This stars Tony Leung as the Grandmaster/Chief Priest. Tony develops a new kind of management art (not martial arts) which ensures a long stay (practically immortality) in a high office. This management art includes screwing up so badly that no one wants to take over from you and hence you get to stay forever in the job. The Grandmaster will in all likelihood last far longer that what it takes to make a Wong Kar Wai movie.

 

Best Disaster Movie:

The Hunger Games

Movie about how an up-market restaurant in a five-star hotel caused food poisoning for many customers resulting in the restaurants’ closure for a period. A lot of hunger here from the BO and vomiting.

 

Worst Disaster Movie:

MIB3

MIB stands for Mistaken Infant Botch-up and 3 is the number of staff that were disciplined in this incident in which babies were mixed up and a newborn was given to the wrong parents in Middle-earth. This is not to be mistaken for another movie Taken 2, which is stars Liam Neeson as the surgeon who “chopes” the last clinic space put on sale in Mount Expensive Old Hospital.

 

Best Animation

Ice Age: Continental Drift

A nice cartoon movie about a bunch of health workers caught in the formation of regional health care cluster when their old regional hospital was cut adrift when they separated from the huge tertiary hospital cluster

 

 

Worst Screenplay Award.

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

A movie about how a nationwide system for the GPs of Middle-Earth took many years to develop. In the end, there were few users of the system because it was too expensive to maintain and too complex to use. The user-interface was impossible to use and it truly deserves this worst screenplay award

 

Most Violent Movie Award:

Dredd

This is about how  Judge Dredd chairs the Disciplinary Tribunal of the orc-healers conclave. He is judge, jury and executioner. Just about blows up everything in sight. Not for the faint hearted.

 

Movie of the Year:

The Hobbit

Long movie about a short guy in Middle-Earth that seemed to court trouble wherever his hairy feet went. It is rumoured that the Chief Priest wants him – dead or alive. L

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