Nonsensical Advisory on Having Sex in SGH Campus Car-parks

Last month, this hobbit said there wouldn’t be a posting this month. But then there’s just too much going on around. Anyway, December is not really the month for anything serious or heavy-going. So here’s something on the lighter side of things….

Recently, there have been reports of sex in a SGH car-park in an alleged corruption case. Obviously, the lovers’ attempt at discrete sex wasn’t very successful because their torrid affair is now all over the mass media. Fear not, a car-park within the SGH campus remains a possible option. Just follow this advice from this hobbit:

1. Even though current COE prices are plainly ridiculous, you should preferably attempt to have sex while you are inside a vehicle that is parked in a parking lot.
2.  Do not have sex in the SNEC open-air car-park. A lot of senior SGH and SingHealth management park their cars there. If they see you, they may get jealous- these guys don’t really have much time for sex nowadays as they have to figure out how to unravel the chaos brought on by residency. If you really have this thing for SNEC, try the fancy car-park lifts there. It offers a fair bit of privacy.
3.  Do not have sex in any car-park in SGH campus around 7am, 2pm and 9pm. That’s when hundreds of nurses change shift. You don’t want to be part of the report passing in every ward in SGH the following day.
4.  The mortuary car-park offers free parking all year round. But sex in an empty hearse is not recommended.
5.  Oral sex is OK in SGH car-parks, if only it leads to penetration later. If not, it could be considered unnatural sex under Singapore legal precedents. Unnatural sex does not even happen in the SGH Animal Holding Lab. And should there be any mishap during the performance of oral sex, NDC and the SGH A&E and the Urology Centre can render the necessary emergency medical/surgical/dental assistance.
6.  Do not use the multi-storey car park behind MOH near what was once called the Macalister Block. You may think it is secluded, but trust me, at night, it is more well-lit than an operating theatre with a patient undergoing a laparotomy. If you really need to do it there, try a weekend in the daytime.
7.  Try not to have sex in the MOH open-air car-park behind COMB. It is rumoured that zombies and other kinds of undead enter and leave the building every day via the car-park. These undead are supposed controlled by some evil wizard whose name cannot be named.
8.  Condoms are available at the convenience shop at Block 4. The IVF centre is at block 5. Don’t mix this up.
9.  Having sex in the underground car-parks in SGH is a very bad idea, there are CCTV’s all over the place. There are also many emeritus consultants with a lot of free time on their hands walking around the underground car-parks reminiscing the good old days when they had a reserved and named parking lot to themselves when they were heads of departments and division chairmen.
10.  Do not EVER have sex at the Pathology Block. It is guarded 24-7. They will treat you as a biohazard.
11.  Do not EVER attempt to have sex in the Alumni/SMA car-park. It is quite busy in the day. At night, the SMA council members (who have no life) have meetings regularly starting at 9pm that may end well past midnight. And then there are those very senior people playing mahjong in the Alumni. They haven’t had an Agong Show* for years and really can’t take this kind of excitement anymore.
12.  If you are caught having sex, just give the excuse that you are part of the hospital workplace health promotion campaign. Another excuse would be to say you are conducting business continuity planning for Singhealth in the wake of the illegal strike at SMRT.  Crazier things have happened recently anyway.

*The Agong Shows were gatherings that supposedly featured topless cabaret dancers from the 70s to 80s at the old Alumni Building. The old Alumni Building was demolished to make way for what is now the CTE (Central Expressway)